Recently, I’ve been hit with a large wave of nostalgia.
I’m sure this is some poor milestone event that happens in everyone’s life – who doesn’t want to reverse logic and be children again? – especially children today; lucky bastards, I see them everywhere.
I’ve always thought of myself as a forward thinking person. It never bothered me to leave behind my then current life when I decided to move within 2 months once the idea was voiced. I was not regretful my father was no longer here. I had always been grateful for what it taught me. It was something that was always thrown around in the house I lived in. It was something I took as serious as my stupid Ducklet pride.
When I moved out at 18, I never felt vulnerable nor missed my old life. As serene and placid as it was in the suburban neighborhood with peers my own age. I never once missed high school. Maybe that’s a lie. I miss the ridiculous oblivion the high school environment provides. And in the same breath I abhor the tiny environment it allows for the numerous brilliant minds that have been contorted and warped to believe inside themselves a certain sense of self that will last through their life time based on a teenager’s echelon. In full, I still wouldn’t go back. You can’t unknow things you know. Life is frustrating like that.
Now at almost 19, I feel I haven’t accomplished much in life. Who cares about the job my family is so proud of, who cares about being the youngest between my colleagues. I still feel I have missed out on life’s secret event. I knew it was playing a trick on me. Right?
Sometimes I wish I could waste time. And not just sit at home all day – because I enjoy the solitude – but to sit at home all day and do stupid stuff and not have the harried feeling of knowing I’m wasting time.
I woke up and thought about the time when I used to always sleep over with my cousins and we would play DS (when that was still cool) the moment we woke up. When we unapologetically took that extra hour before physically getting out of bed. The childish routine to brush our teeth one by one and distribute left over breakfast at the kitchen. To watch 3 hyperbole romantic comedies in a row, and cry despite knowing we’ll get puffy eyes the next day at 2am on Christmas Eve.
I missed climbing over each other to reach the computer. I missed just wondering and chattering uselessly about what else life has to bring. I miss discovering how to french braid and having that as a skill. I missed the security, the comfort, their company – the not knowing.
If I were to be offered, I would never opt for omnipotent knowledge or wisdom. Like I said, you just can’t unknow things you already know.
So today I could never allow myself to move back home because I know all those peers back at home still haven’t even properly thought about it. I could never stop the cycle of working the grind because we all know that’s life’s grand entrance in spitting you out into adulthood – I can’t leave, not if the management is unfair. Not if it would be easier. Not even if my mother would not get mad at me for it. Particularly because she wouldn’t, I can never stop.
But I never stop thinking about the times when I was home alone back in that old house, no matter how much I had wanted to leave then, no matter the bad and lonesome things that happened there; I would purposely bring down my blankets and a pillow to curl up on the single sofa, just so I could crunch together and hang a leg over the edge. How I would turn on the single blue lit lamp and watch TV in my home made theater. How at ease I was at with the world in allowing myself to wake up when I wanted to and to continue to feel alright about myself.
How much I wish to stop the torment on how much I hate myself.
But I guess that’s another life’s topic.
Sometimes though, it’s really scary out there… Sometimes I don’t think it’s quite alright that my emotions dwell so lightly I easily cry when I think too deeply. Like now. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here (and of course I’m too cowardly to act on it, because shit, I’m scared), and sometimes I really want to, just so I have a reason to act.
I no longer doubt that my family would grieve but am rather undeserving in pitying my mother for the would-be second loss in her life – how very much unfair that would be to her.
I almost finish the thought that my father should be here instead of me from time to time.
I try to disown that I sometimes sleep with a knife by my bedside. It’s not right. I don’t tell the people I love and trust. I can’t. That would be too sad. Too desperate. Too easily written off as a teenage phenomenon. Really, all that said was because I’m still scared to say it aloud. It’s too weird for someone who does such a good job of appearing brag worthy to her family.
I miss at the end of the day, even the arrogance of a child in their self worth. I’m envious.
Cackles.From.A.Mad.Duck 
April 7, 2015 at 11:34 AM
I am currently sitting in the living room of my aunt’s house, a woman who was a big part of my early childhood and then decided to leave the United States in order to be closer to the rest of her family in Mexico. I remember the soups she would make, the way she played with me, and her everlasting caring nature.
To see where I escaped to, Dear Duck, is to be back to my childhood. Life has taken its turns and ups and downs and dips and has even broken down a couple of times but it keeps moving, I’ve met people who have taught me different things about how they view life and the only thing I’ve actually learned from all of them is that everyone learns a different thing, its almost like we are doing this on purpose. Some of us choose mathematics and others go for languages, how come? Are we intentionally learning different things in order to show us that we are a part of something bigger and that we all serve different purposes? Who knows, honestly. All I know is that things are expected from me that I know I don’t want, but it makes no sense why.
What I’m trying to say is that there is always a lot of noise around us, people telling us what to do, society pushing us toward a certain direction, schools telling us what to study, homework due, what to wear, what to say, how to act.. everywhere! It’s only when we come in tune with ourselves and do exactly what we want when we want is when we will be fully happy.
To sum and condense this a little more: fear can’t be a part of your path. It will stop you from so much!
Wishing you the best,
Edwin
April 14, 2015 at 5:51 PM
Hi Edwin,
Apologies for the late reply – I had seen this comment on the day of, but just to add on to the ridiculous visceral of heightened emotions already here..my response would have been just another extension of this piece…
Shocking that it’s been a week already; you’re right, life goes on whether I box myself up or not in this mostly dramatic ‘fun’ house. It’s funny you talk about making ourselves happy and I recall just asking myself in the morning on the way to work what exactly I have done in the last few years that have truly made myself happy – maybe not just me, but at least first and foremost – something that I could selfishly claim and not allow to be under the impression of society, or social media, etc etc
I don’t really think I reached an answer. Or maybe I was distracted.
Who knows why the most pessimistic side of me laughs almost humorously at the quote : “With enough courage you don’t need a reputation”. And more solemnly at : “And if you don’t live, you have nothing to write about.”
April 8, 2015 at 3:25 PM
My dearest duckling… you are still a kid, trust me. You are still young; don’t be in such a hurry to throw that away. TRUST ME, this time of challenge, self-loathing, all of it… will pass. Deep breaths and a true belief in that may help, but if not, get help. You are so young, so very talented and gifted, and you have had a lot to deal with in a short life… do not turn it in on yourself. Again, trust me: been there, done that, and there is a very big, very beautiful world out there. Once you find your place and your people in it, you may look back and write this very advice to someone else.
Sending you a big, sincere (( hug )) darling ducky. xox
April 14, 2015 at 6:03 PM
Hi Dawn,
Thank you, thank you for the kind words, the support, the believe, the faith and just beauty of a remark in the whole scheme of things (if that makes sense).
It’s funny how emotionally tuned out one gets accustomed to, like repeated exposure therapy, reading your own self-loathing words or hearing your own thoughts..and somehow that may still even extend to the idea of accepting another’s help or borrowing their mindset for the while to see yourself in a different light..and of all of that just gets swept underneath our obsession with a public image. I think most likely I just haven’t harvested a very teachable spirit to reach out. It’s so incredibly illogical, and so many things are brought to such small, small life sizes when put into words. How to say that it’s not only easy to just give up on oneself, but to have an innate sense that you only deserve so much and to carry that same undeserving apology to that someone else who was so wrong to have put so much thought into you otherwise.
Funny as it sounds, I wonder if writing about it glorifies the darkness of these emotions. But see, then again, that’s just another one of those appendages I worry myself to anxiety about – what if I’m just doing this for attention? Then god help me.
April 14, 2015 at 10:49 PM
You are a writer, my darling, and we write to work things out… not just to get attention.You really put yourself out there and that’s making yourself vulnerable– don’t apologize for that, for being real. BUT, don’t turn it on yourself. You are young, and so much of this will pass… much sooner than you think. Like I said: just trust me. I am only an hour away… if you really need support, or you want to come visit and hear me say it in person, bring it on. 😉 You have too much sparkle to turn on yourself! xox
April 15, 2015 at 7:38 PM
The fact that you made what I wrote out as a cry of desperation or a burst of our not so steady conscience sound noble speaks volume for itself, but thanks again (:
It is funny how we are only an hour away from each other, maybe coming summer when I finally get my license !