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Cackles.From.A.Mad.Duck

'Who am I' she asks : A creative explosion of paradoxical remarks the student replied.

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happiness

Happiness

19431859261e12c5ba63da8f57b776ee-regret-photography-breathe-photography

Fast.
The state of being
happy, goes so fast. It turns weeks into
seconds only, as if you could see hence a foreword
to the good things.
The preclude makes it bearable that way, in the
meanwhile, all the while we live
day by day.

Dance

vintage-dancing

What say you the firmest affirmation of
Affection due, if not to dance as if one
All the more, cannot contain reason
In becoming infatuated with you;
‘I dare say you will find him quite amiable’
Under modest supposition, perhaps
It is a loss of steady senses, within right
The amalgamation of musical souls justly
Defines dance.

Do So, By You

It seems utter nonsense at times that we manage to be happy one moment and inconsolably sad the next. Similar to another blogger who was fluently articulating how we can have little to no control over our emotions at times, in the same vein of thought, I pondered whether our happiness leaks theoretically  with time. Especially if we weren’t careful with whom we shared it with. Isn’t that why there are always some people in life you approach with caution, as if holding your breath during the encounter to keep this hypothetical measurement of happiness intact?

I thought about this in my ever so largely stubborn (naive, really) and perhaps even a self-defensive way, to capture happiness when I feel it strongly. How to remind myself when possibly in the next few hours, I’ll have easily forgotten my own feelings and thoughts?

I thought about why I felt happy today.

It started last night. [edit: two nights ago] I sent a last closure email to my ex. Some people might cringe at this, but I don’t care how unorthodox, or rather socially ‘shameful’ this should be – whoever decided reaching out was for the weak minded? – I know I’ve tried to masquerade and rush the process of a post break up too soon by saying so before, but I do genuinely feel good having written this email. It wasn’t a haranguing address, nor humiliating in the sense that I couldn’t let him go. We simply don’t respect each other’s lifestyles. The one common language we speak however is work ethic and success in life. So I wrote to him and set myself the goal to similarly command (not demand) and earn his respect in this aspect when I would have worked for and deserve it – project on the horizon – more on that another time. Perhaps.

Point is that I would walk away with something and see that everything happens for a reason. More on that later as well.

This feeling of goodness kept on when I woke up at 7am to train at the gym. I’ve expressed that working out and becoming a part time trainer has been the better part of my week. What resonates most strongly when I think about how to conceptualize what being a trainer means for me comes from my voice. Being a relatively soft spoken person (I used to cry when kids in the back of the school bus complained they couldn’t hear my standard introduction and I had to start all over again), I thought about how powerful a voice can be. In fact, even today I constantly repeat myself for guests in my full time work because of my voice. Or lack thereof. For the first time in my life now, I am taught to project it. Not figuratively as teachers like to teach as a feel-good solution for quiet children like myself, but a voice that resounded from your gut and rocked the cavity in your head. An effective puddy patch against any bad leaks from the world trying to deplete your happiness balloon. All from my own voice that I never knew I had.

I felt good even though it’s a 12 hour work day, with many more to come, because I have a goal to work towards.

Then I came home in between jobs and saw my roommate sitting in the same seat watching the same documentary as he had been the previous night because he has too much time on his hands being unemployed. I initially cast it out of my mind because it’s none of my business, yet somehow this one briefing irked me and before I knew it, my happiness balloon was slowly leaking despite myself.

Thinking back to how I can arrive at the gym early in the morning, readily swollen with endorphin’s to get me going. Or that I could construct an email to the man I had felt so insecure with, and boldly state I will in fact respect and love myself, declining the temptation to backspace onto those words for fear that I may appear self-indulgent; I realize I’m not a preordained happiness balloon. If it were so, I would have been crushed that I was denied a promotion recently based on petty work politics. Or still be crushed that my relationship failed. Or that I live with such a roommate that apparently bums me out, for lack of better words – Because everything does in fact happen for a reason, and in the chronicle of events that led up to me being able to become a trainer and taking on this project, I had met just the right circumstances and persons to do.

To be denied of my promotion meant I could even have the attention and time to realize my potential as a trainer. To be denied my desire of a relationship led me to instead walk away from someone who is now neither a friend nor lover, but a fellow entrepreneur who spoke to my determination to prove my words. To be kept uncomfortable in my current living situation against someone who has yet to find their drive in life makes me wake up each day to renew resilience in discipline.

No, I am not leaking happiness throughout the day. I may be tired, and some days may be grueling and emotionally tense, but my happiness is there. Sloshing however recklessly inside me before it settles into a clear reflection of who I am and why I am excited for what I plan to do. So if one other intelligent blogger can share that we all have haphazard emotional liabilities every so often (quite often), then I shan’t be above it.

 

 

Taking Arrogance To The Next Level


liester blog
W.O.W I have no words. I remember when I had first started this blog just about 3 months ago and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I even a brief period of time when the fat elf got to me and I just wanted to forfeit the entire idea of continuing on with my nonsense and lust with envy and perhaps a bit of jealousy – but of course much applause for those who got the recognition they truly deserve. But the cliche award speech stops here. I didn’t win anything, at least I don’t think this is what it’s for… If you happen to read Nick’s post ( http://shittalkinnick.com/ ) on passing this award on to fellow bloggers, I think he really hit the shit talkin jack pot to include me for nominations..  but I am still immeasurably grateful and humbled to be nominated by him, so if you get this read this NIck, and if you haven’t already read my comment on your page, a thousand thankyous and curtsies (:


And to formally begin my trip of seven minutes in heaven : 

post 11 random things about myself;

answer 11 questions from the person who nominated me;

pose 11 new questions to other bloggers (and let them know I’ve done so);

11 Random Things About Me

1) I love tattoos and piercings.. much as I obsess with my cat’s paws and abuse him (with love) to infinity, in which cases I don’t even think are probably legal in most states..

2) Just so I can fulfill the rebel image to a slack, I got my conch pierced yesterday – proceeding to add the newest addition to my tongue and rook to hide from my mom – wishing to break the ignorant stereotype. But no I don’t drink or smoke pot. Ever. Sorry guys.

3) Though I say what I said above, I’m also a huge book worm with OCD regarding my books; so no 90 degree angles or dog ears or I will play SAW 1-7 with you.

4) Gigantic wuss to the next level – still working on not being scared of the witchy part in Sleeping Beauty.. but I tell myself I am just very thoroughly empathizing with the music in the background. Did I mention I’m a band geek? Guess what instrument I play.

5) Yes, I love the classic old Disney. And if I could I would turn all my pals gay on my marathons – working on that too.

6) I still pride myself for being stronger and faster than all the now-football guys back in elementary, because nowadays my most recent achievement is devouring the amount of chocolate I do on a day-to-day basis and getting whipped on my 7th push up.

7) I have a very wicked sense of humor and if you were to see me, then get to really know me, you would not believe half the things that I say.

8) Absolute laziest person you’ll ever meet. The most I do with an exercise ball is bounce on it, then proceed to fly like superman. Bless the faeries for my metabolism.

9) Love cute things and chocolate. But I hate cute drawings. Art to me is Tim Burton style. With a few exceptions.

10) I’m Asian and math is my worse subject. Not just 92% bad; Get made fun of on a day-to-day basis.

11) I once thought Amazon people were tall blue people. Maybe 5 times was too many a time to watch Avatar.

Answer 11 Questions

1)  What was the last thing that made you cry? Oh this is depressing; arguing with my mother about tattoos, then she told me to get one when I grow up and not see her if I chose to do so. 

2)  If you had a super power, would you share it with anyone? Definitely; share it with my few favorite people and live like kings.

3)  If you could talk to anyone alive or dead, famous or not famous who would it be? I want to say my father out of respect, but as the wuss I am, I don’t really wanna see anyone I know that should be dead and I’m sure my father would love it if his last image of me was not me whacking his ghostly figure in the face.

4)  Would you rather go back in time or travel to the future? I’d rather go back and enjoy some simple children things; the future seems a bit depressing. 

5)  If the person you loved was dying and the only way you could save them was to press a button that would kill thousands of people you have never met before, would you do it? No, because if I were to love anyone, that person would know better than to fear death in exchange for thousands of innocent lives. Unless this was a thriller, then maybe just so coincidentally, all the bad guys.  

6)  Would you rather 10 minutes of love or 10 minutes of lust? 10 minutes of lust ; love can last longer than that. A moment will always just be a moment thing. 

7)  How many fingers am I holding up right now? Three. what’s a loss of three for an  incredible driver, which in his name I’d suppose would also possess impeccably dexterous fingers. 

8)  If you could change the topic of your blog what would you change it to? It has no ultimate purpose, but if you were to put a label on it, probably something lame like my diary which I abandoned 3 years ago. 

9)  Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their aura. Does that make sense? You just know when you meet one of ‘those guys’.. and immediately walk the other way. 

10)  Dogs or Cats? Cats, since this is my first one, and you never knew how fun it is to cuddle something so flexible. And it drools the same amount. 

11)  Whats the last thing you regretted doing? I regret having ever mentally noted that I shall stop looking/following more blogs because I want to read practically every single one of your’s and won’t do justice otherwise. But that’s stupid; in thanks to all the people who gave me a chance. 

Ask 11 Questions Of Your Own

1) Who’s your favorite Disney character and why?

2) Forgive and forget or get even? If you’re going to be nice tell me how you got there.. if you’re evil like me, give me ideas.

3) Biggest laughing spree – constipated face and epileptic appendages.

4) If you had to save someone significant, would you give up your life? And not be a bitter haunting ghost about it.

5) Crazy 1940’s dancer or a shower singer?

6) If you had a choice, would you choose to be the opposite gender? Why and what would you do if yes.

7) Vacuum, sweep or mop?

8) First kiss – disappointment, butterflies, or fainted cause you didn’t wanna breath on them.

9) Biggest motivation/inspiration/aspiration in life.

10) Ever insecure about yourself; how did you get over it, or still currently working on it?

11) Laughter is the best medicine?

Spreading The Love – in no particular order cause love does not know a number or a face
( sorry guys I don’t know how to shorten a link and rename it, pointers anyone? ) 

http://cristianmihai.net/ – If there’s a definition for a writer, it’s the one who not only does it and knows it, but the one who can write about it so people who aren’t even writers feels like they’d been one too.

http://becomingcliche.wordpress.com/ – Whoever said mums’ have no sense of humor. Living proof.

http://sassandbalderdash.com/ – Ever popular and sarcastic. Bringing my attention the most randomnest things in life and giving them depth and significance. It’s like a lecture. With a bit of sass.. and balder dash..

http://tracysite.wordpress.com/ – Neurotic, charming, madwoman; I fell for it.

http://righttobitch.com/ – Read it, I’ve got no words – there’s a sweetheart beneath the cursing.

http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/ – You already know.. if you don’t, you do now.

http://singlegirlblogging.com/ – As a selfish request, and perhaps a compliment, your single life should make money as a reality show over the ones we have nowadays.

http://thebettermanprojects.com/ – Encouraging and personal. Sometimes he’s so positive I kinda hate him on my lazy days. Sigh, but I know he’s good. We need more guys like him.

http://whimsoffairness.wordpress.com/ – Honestly, the first time I read his blog. I died. Of laughter. And even now he can masterfully orchestra humor to my still wet eyes down to soberty in undulating patterns.

http://scott-williams.ca/ – One of the initial supporters when I had started; what can I say, a counselor who doesn’t suck and possibly a hired gun ! (No I’m not his client so I don’t get any special discounts or anything like that) – The total package.

http://thegoodgreatsby.com/ – Cannot get enough of this guy. Went through a stalking fiesta on his blog – and still wasn’t sick by the time I got out. I call that charm.

And with this I believe I am finished my over stayed welcome in heaven.

Resembling Barney

I’ve been told that I resemble this legendary dinosaur.

See the resemblance?

Or a hyena. You choose – because of my laughter. You can’t get more complimentary than that.

I’m the girl that claps her hands together and mini celebrates herself for solving a math problem. Cause you know, it’s hard to get all the chemistry right – get the formation, solve the equation, and pray you got the right answer. It’s like hoping you’re always doing the right thing.

Well I could never understand why so many people are hell-bent on getting the ‘right’ answer. Who came up with an answer key to all your life’s problems? –  I’m also the girl who suffers from estranged laughing episodes, where it’s a short silent film of knee-slapping or retarded seal clapping. Either or, it gets audiences – whether weird looks, mockery, or sometimes, laughter. I would wake up in the morning, and be in a good mood. I would walk outside, and marvel at the sunrise. I would look into the mirror and smile – any excuse to indulge in teenage narcissism of course. I would break down and laugh, while I’m probably trying to put up the front of being angry or serious. Am daily entertained by my cat, who comes to resemble one food item to another. The point is, these supposedly asinine moments strikes at any time. Spontaneously. And quite generously.

All you’ve got to do is laugh

.Personally, I think I’m more of a penguin, or at most a dying goose. But hey, we all need our rose colored glasses.

S.M.I.L.E – One size fits all.

When The Crimson Red Seems Like A Good Color For You

Looking back, she never really knew what she was doing. Or actually it was that twilight state of consciousness where you felt it and you knew you did it, but still, had it really happened?

Well surely the marks on her arms are substantial and does not lie.

So how did it become that the happiest girl in grade 5 relegated to this form, sitting at her dining table, somewhat thrilled by the shivers of anticipating someone to come home and her ability to deceive them of what she was doing. Her cat is watching her, and she wonders if he knows what she is doing and whether or not he would be scared – had he been human enough to feel such empathy. She also marvels quietly that this is such a stigmatic act when in reality probably half the people she knows are capable of this and she would’ve never known! Just imagine, how outrageously easy it is to be deceptive and elude the reality of how depressed we are.

It first began in March. Oh it was just a one-time dramatic fiasco. Nothing monumental. Probably not even worth mentioning. But then it happened once again in June. Oh she was just crazy head over heels and over enthusiastic about love. Then once again, just before Halloween rolled by such act was performed again. No longer in love. And she wonders to herself a rhetorical question : Am I doing this for attention?

She is not depressed. She knows. But why then does she find it harder to execute the familiar charm of her younger self. Is she perhaps really just a nut case putting herself up for ridicule to embrace the more sinister peripheral of the world? Does getting ink, body jewelry and listening to abnormal songs not so patronized by the radio stations determine who she is ? – stereotypically? Ah she is a little bit afraid. Will she come to regret this later on and refer to it as the ‘dark ages’ or something else equally as melodramatic? Though will it be that this has what she had always been. Undisclosed , finally, despite the inevitable warm welcome.

Sometimes she regrets what she has done – most materialistic problems such as itchy scabs or having to compromise long sleeves all the time. Though most of the time it’s just another event in life. It doesn’t have an effect on who she is. And she wonders if she would ever undergo it again.

She is sometimes most afraid of herself.

Really she should just stay away from society and humanity. She tells herself not to sought for friendship and worse of all, love. But she is selfish and human and she needs companionship. And no matter how much she convinces herself how worthless she is and undeserving of such attention it only draws her audience to further pity her. Then she’ll feel even more disgusted with what a terrible person she is to become all those others before her whom she’s probably hated upon too. And it’s just a never ending cycle.

“We only accept the love we think we deserve.”

So what is it that makes her so ridiculously self-condemned? What is that answer, that would in time be so easily transparent she would really head her desk at how stupid she is – Make yourself into someone who you deem worthy of whomever’s love. Ah so cliche, she really tries her hardest to stay away from such daily ‘epiphanies’ but she will give it applause for being an incentive to become a  better person. Even if its more for someone else than herself, all will come in due time.

Now sometimes she looks at herself and feels a melancholic nostalgia towards those stripes on her arm. Perhaps it was good to have expressed herself that way. It was like revealing what was happening internally regardless of her intentions. And now she is not unmarked. Not beautifully pure skinned like her mother admires. But that’s okay, because who wants to be wonderfully untainted and so darn outwardly perfect anyway.

Just another beautiful fall day, really not quite a bad picture for a blackberry smartphone.

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